May 13, 2004 l 2:05 a.m.

I don't wanna be middle aged and single.

I went to Bern Bern's Nikki Beach party thing tonight. The club is on South Beach, which I generally stat away from due to the lack of parking and the horribly fake trend following masses. But Uneedah had said that Bern Bern assured her there was a free open bar so I figured I'd do the whole South Beach thing. The deal was closed when Uneedah offered to take her car.

The night, full of possibility started off with us ariving to the club around 11. Parking was relatively easy to find as it was a Thursday. So far, so good. Of Course when we actually got inside, everything that I loathe about the beach was staring me in the face.

Crowds full of weird empty faces attached to perfectly sculpted bodies. Looking around the room I confirmed a long running theory that everyon in Miami has a plastic surgeon.

Women with breasts too big for their tiny liposuctioned bodies. Men with faces so stiff from botox and puffed from alcohol consumtion they could barely make expressions. All the while I could feel disapproving looks becasue a fat girl had dared enter their domain. Yes, Miami is a beautiful city full of beautiful people.

The negativity in the air was enough to choke anyone. Yet we still had a room of sad people laughing, dancing, and apparently having a good time.

While Uneedah and I played wallflowers we notied a few key players that no south beach evening would be without.

There was the old couple. The couple that has money and maybe once had looks or style but now are just some Big-Haired mess wearing clothing echoing the popularity of their Miami Vice hey day. I called the man ion this couple, "Leon". In spanish,this means lion.

There was also a large middle-aged hispanic man on the dancefloor wearing a shirt with large abstract elephants printed on it. He was too drunk to notice that no one seemed to be dancing with him. He was just making room for himself as the shallow trendoids moved out of his way. I named him, "El Elefante".

Then, perhaps the saddest girl in the club was this 30-something blonde. She was trying to get someone's attention...anyones attention. At first it was subtle. She was dancing in front of us causally. Then she started dancing and looking around to see ifanyone was watching. Seeing that no man was interested she went on to hanging off the rail to the VIP section, waving her arms around like their was some kind of rhythmic fire that everyone in the vip section was unaware of.

I don't want to be middle-aged and single.